Some people can play music by ear. Some people can draw. Some people can solve complex mathematical equations. I can do this.
I can effortlessly metaphorically transpose sports franchises to other things in a way that at least makes sense to me and I’m guessing makes some sense to other people. So, in honor of the NBA Finals, here are who the 30 NBA teams would be if they were members of your high school graduating class.
San Antonio Spurs — The valedictorian.
Miami Heat — The homecoming queen.
Cleveland Cavaliers — The guy the homecoming queen dumped sophomore year so she could go out with a college guy.
Dallas Mavericks — The kid who’s always in the principal’s office but everyone knows he’s still a good kid and probably going to be pretty successful.
Houston Rockets — The sports nerd who doesn’t make all that great of grades, but everyone assumes he’s smart because he won the school’s fourth-grade spelling bee.
Boston Celtics — The boy who has been the most popular boy in the class since everyone was in the first grade.
Los Angeles Lakers — The girl who has been the most popular girl in the class since everyone was in the first grade (but she dumped the most popular boy in a nasty third-grade breakup and they’ve hated each other ever since).
Chicago Bulls — The kid whose older brother was so soul-crushingly cool that his reputation was set for life, and since he’s pretty ok too, everyone goes along with it.
Oklahoma City Thunder — The hot girl who moved to town in the 10th grade.
Los Angeles Clippers — The girl that isn’t that cute or popular, but whom people suspect will eventually be very cute and popular round about graduate school, but who will actually end up being kind of a granola lesbian.
Portland Trail Blazers — The guy who knows how to get weed.
Detroit Pistons — The guy you know not to fight.
Phoenix Suns — They guy everybody thought was going to be the answer at quarterback when he moved to town in the seventh grade, but he ended up not being all that great.
Philadelphia 76ers — The kid who has an enormous amount of street cred, though people can barely remember why.
Brooklyn Nets — The guy who was never that cool until he met Jay-Z last year.
Orlando Magic — They guy whom late-blooming girls date as a stepping stone before they inevitably dump him and go out with the quarterback.
Utah Jazz — The Mormon kid who was the second-best athlete in the class in middle school.
Charlotte Bobcats — The new kid whose name no one remembers.
Sacramento Kings — Who’s that? Oh yeah, he was in my English class in 8th grade.
New Orleans Pelicans — The kid whose parents got divorced and he changed his last name, but then changed it back and you never know what to call him.
Minnesota Timberwolves — That kid who’s friends with that one guy.
Atlanta Hawks — Not the smartest kid, not the best athlete, doesn’t do that much but throws really good parties.
Indiana Pacers — The girl who is nice and fun to have around, but who’s never the center of attention.
Memphis Grizzlies — The kid who isn’t in any AP classes, but he’s somehow ranked ahead of you.
Washington Wizards — The guy you always get confused with the guy who met Jay-Z, so you keep asking him about meeting Jay-Z and he says “no, that was …”
Golden State Warriors — The kid who keeps trying to get people to call him by his nickname.
Denver Nuggets — The kid who got kicked off the football team and wants people to think it was for smoking pot, but he really just failed history.
Toronto Raptors — The girl who moved to town in 7th grade and was pretty popular for a little bit, but then she started dating a guy from another school and no one really sees her anymore.
Milwaukee Bucks — The girl whom everyone would forget about if she didn’t wear such weird clothes.
New York Knicks — The guy who still walks around like he’s such a badass even though everyone figured out he was all talk in the fourth grade and stopped giving a crap.
Now that I’m done with this, I realize it might make me seem like a jerk. Don’t care. It was an hour well spent. Still think it’s funny and I hoped you enjoyed it.